What is boudoir? | An Update

I have previously written about what boudoir is, especially in comparison to pornography and sex. Even though all of that still stands, boudoir is NOT porn and it is not about sex, I’d like to dive deeper into WHY boudoir is so important for everyone… and why it’s not even boudoir anymore… at least not for me.

On a personal level, 2022 was one of the most difficult years of my life. Without getting into details, we often define ourselves by the roles we play in the lives of the people we love. I am a….. {fill in the blank}.

For me, I am a Mom first and foremost. Then I’m a wife, then a friend, then a sibling, daughter & artist. Being a Mom was the most important role in life and every move I made, every decision, every purchase, every day was steeped in motherhood and it was this way since I became a Mom at 19 years old. I fucked up royally, a lot of times, but I could at least look back and say, I did the best I could with what I knew and had to work with at the time.

I’m 35 now and for the first time in 16 years I found myself questioning whether or not I was ever really a Mom at all. I questioned every choice I ever made. I wondered if I was delusional and everything I had ever done that I thought was right for my kids, was all wrong and I was so fucked up in the head that I didn’t even know or recognize that I am a horrible, terrible mother and in turn a horrible, terrible person. The world I lived in inside my head got turned upside down with a little knock on the door… and I was quite literally fucked.

The last half of 2022 I tried, but I could barely work. I spent hours every morning crying. Every. single. morning for 6 months. I had totally lost my hold on who I was. Again.

And that is where boudoir comes in.

I am going to be moving away from the term “boudoir photographer.” I don’t want my artwork to be about ass & titties. I am studying and documenting what it is to be alive and human. I want to see and capture those nitty gritty moments of life. Ass shots, as nice as they are, don’t really explore who a person is at their core.

As I said in the beginning, we often define ourselves and our value in society based on the roles we play for the people we care about. Teacher, attorney, photographer, wedding planner, tax preparer, Mom, sister, friend, a great cook, someone who makes people laugh, someone who always knows what to say, someone who jumps in with a helping hand… who are we to those we love?

I can’t speak for everyone, but when I’m looking in the mirror right after I get out of the shower… no makeup, hair is crazy, naked… just raw and there on display, I’m taking stock of who I am, how valuable I am, how desirable I am.

I look at my hair - “I have got to get a hair cut. My roots are too long and I know when this dries you’re gonna see dead ends everywhere.”

I look at my face - hairs growing where I don’t want them, dark circles under my eyes, black heads on my nose - “Thank God for makeup, I won’t look dead anymore once I’m ready.”

I look at my arms - “I’ve got to get back to doing yoga every day. Gross flabby arms.”

I look at my breasts - “I’m glad I’m married because no one would ever look at these and want me now.”

You get the picture.

I’m standing there, raw and unfiltered and I’m picking myself apart. I don’t ALWAYS do this to myself. Some days I’m more manic than depressed and I pose and take photos and send them to my husband, but most of the time it’s …. “Ugh, let’s get ready so I don’t want to look like myself anymore.”

And that’s the whole damn problem.

We present ourselves, to ourselves in such an unnatural way. Wet, naked with bad lighting… and we never get to see what the people who love us see about us.

For example, one of the first things I noticed about my husband was this innocent, crooked smile he’d flash every now and then. Like no one should be allowed to be that cute.

Or my son has this big huge laugh and smile that is absolutely contagious. I love it so much when he thinks something is hilarious because I see and hear his big giant personality.

Those are things neither of them will ever see organically because they live their life from the perspective of themselves. They can’t naturally see what I see and love about them so much.

And I cannot see what they love about me.

And when you’ve lost your grasp on who you are all together and look in the mirror wet, raw and unfiltered, it’s easy to be cruel and and down on ourselves.

That’s where portrait photography has the potential to heal the wounds that ourselves and others make against our egos. If done right, a portrait session can remind the subject who they are as a person. It reminds them that they are desirable, they are fun, they are vulnerable, they are confident, they are flirty and sexual and have desires. It shows the subject what the people who love them see instead of what they see when they are rushed, tired, raw, naked & wet in the bathroom mirror.

I need more out of life than tits and ass.

Working with me is about exploring what it is to be a human being, alive and interacting with the world in every way that we can. I have been so blessed to be able to be a part of so many significant moments & interactions in the lives of my clients. Birth, marriage, loss, celebrations, sex, friendship, romantic relationships, family gatherings and the most important thing of all, their relationship to themselves.