Boudoir is about who you are now.
I shared a meme the other day that showed a little stick person at the top of a mountain and it said “The strength we’re taught to admire.” Next to it is another image of a person climbing out of a hole and about to head up a mountain and it said “The strength we should also admire.”
When I learned to love myself where I am standing right now, in this moment, regardless of what is going on in my life, regardless of my perceived successes and even more perceived failures, that little bit of positivity & love snowballed from a little nugget of “Yeah, I’m pretty alright.” to “I like myself and I don’t care what anyone else thinks.” to “I am a fucking rock star, get out of my way!” Now my family and I live a life most people dream about, but 5 years ago this life was a distant pipe dream.
Five years ago I was on state probation. I worked a dead end job that I hated and kept me from away from my family. Every single month we struggled to pay our $650 mortgage. We never went on vacation because we could not afford it. My side hustle photography business probably cost me more to run than I made and as I have said so many times before I looked at myself in the mirror every day and I said “I hate you. You are a failure. Everyone would be better off if you were dead.”
I said all that to say, when I look back there is one major event that changed everything and that was an impromptu couples boudoir session that I didn’t even want to do. I had been shooting boudoir for a while, but I had never done my own session and I really had no intention of ever doing one. Even though I photographed many women with many different body types, I still believed that “I don’t have the right body for boudoir.”
Photographer: Emma Cristin
I truly cannot put into words how that boudoir session changed me and the way I saw myself. Finally, I felt okay in my skin. There was no retouching done on those images. You could see everything about my body that I hated. My tummy pooch, stretch marks all over my stomach, sides and the tops of my thighs, little bits of fat in places I don’t want fat and it was all beautiful to me because I wasn’t standing in front of a mirror with my tummy fat & skin in my hands jiggling it around and making ugly faces at it.
I got to see my whole self, raw & unfiltered from the perspective of a person who doesn’t know me, doesn’t know what I tell myself and hasn’t lived with my wobbly bits for the last 29 years.
I thought I was going to get through the session so I could say “See, I did it too.” to my clients. I didn’t know I’d be forever changed.
I had been to countless doctors and therapists. I tried medication. I woke up at 5 or 6 am every day and ran 3 miles and worked out for an hour and a half. I starved. I was in excellent physical condition and still none of that ever changed my mind about me.
Sometimes all we need is a little boost to get the ball rolling. Like when my son struggles to start riding his bike uphill, I give him a good shove and he takes off!
I can’t say that your whole life will change because of one boudoir session, but I can say that mine did. That confidence about my body helped me to believe in myself in every way. I felt like I could do anything… and I did. I got off probation early, I got full custody of my son, I bought a new house with 11 acres, got chickens, goats & horses and I have a huge garden that I admittedly am not that good at caring for. I make my own schedule, stay at home with my kids all summer and go on multiple vacations every year.
I attribute everything good in my life to my husband and my passion for boudoir photography because both loved me exactly where I was right then in that moment, even when I didn’t love myself and my cup is filled every time I teach a new woman to meet herself with love right where she is standing.